Relationships Mum

Relationships coach and Local Mum Pascale Lane blogs for us about everything to do with relationships and wellbeing.

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August

How I learned to truly love and accept myself and how you can do the same in these three simple steps

Self acceptance and self love might sound easy words to read but for many they are a lifelong struggle and for many more they are never achieved.

When we learn to fully love and accept ourselves, we embrace every aspect of our personality, the good bits, the bad bits and all the bits in between…. 

When we accept our journey and the mistakes that we have made and choose to accept them as part of our rich and varied tapestry rather than events to lie awake at night torturing ourselves over…. 

Only then do we learn the cornerstone to all healthy relationships, starting of course with the one with ourselves. 

Here is what you can do in order to achieve them:

1. Not everyone is going to like you and you need to be ok with that

It can be a hard pill to swallow but I can’t tell you how liberating it is to acknowledge and accept that you’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea… and nor should you be.

Let’s spin it around for a second. 

Do you like everyone? No, of course you don’t. There is no one single person on this planet that is universally liked by everyone. Not even Mother Teresa.

So get used to the fact that some people aren’t going to like you and concentrate all of your effort and energy on the people who do… 

They are the only ones that matter and they are the only ones you should care about. 

Until you truly embody this, you can’t know how empowering it is.

2. Authenticity

Now we have acknowledged that we are not everyone’s cup of tea (they are not ours either) now we can really start to shine bright.

No need to self-edit.

No need to hold back.

Just be your gorgeous, wonderful self, knowing full well that those who love you, love all of you, and those that don’t, don’t matter!

When we are our true, authentic self it’s like someone turns the brightness up on us… I don’t really mind is a wonderful and liberating feeling

3. That being said, we don’t want to turn into arrogant little beasts either

Understanding our flaws and understanding what we need to work on in order to improve ourselves, for ourselves, is also a wonderful thing.

Self development, personal development, relationship development, call it what you will… Anything that helps us to be a better version of ourselves can only be a good thing.

When we accept our flaws and are ok with that, but are also willing to work on them and polish the good bits, everyone wins.

And after all that’s what we want… 

To be the best version of ourselves, for ourselves, for those around us too.

Improving all of our relationships, starting of course with the most important one, the one with ourselves.

Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled

Contact:
Pascale Lane 
(MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: 
pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk


July 

Three reasons why forgiving yourself will always be harder than forgiving others … but why it’s essential

Generally speaking, it is far easier to forgive those around us and it is to forgive ourselves

We look at others with far more compassion and we are generally far more accepting of their mistakes that we are of ourselves

We can apply a whole layer of kindness to them…

When we hear our friends, children or loved ones speaking ill of themselves, we will be the first to wrap our arms around them and give them a whole load of reasons why they need to be kinder to themselves

And yet… Do we do the same to ourselves?

The overwhelming majority of the time the answer to that is a simple No

Learning to forgive ourselves is one of the most wonderful gifts we can give ourselves

1. When we understand how we truly got to where we are and that all of our mistakes have guided us to our present state, we learn to appreciate that the path we have carved out for ourselves was an essential part of our journey

For every micro decision we ever made, good or bad, has taught us something, and because of those lessons we are wiser and more knowledgeable

True learning happens when we make mistakes, not when we get things right

2. The burden of responsibility of carrying around all our past mistakes is incredibly tiresome.

For those that lie awake at night worrying about their bad choices, all you are doing is dulling your shine for tomorrow

That is not to say that we must be immune to the mistakes that we have made, but rather we understand the lessons for what they were and then move on

Anything that takes the shine off of our tomorrow is not worth keeping

3. Self-forgiveness encourages mental and emotional well-being and helps us to develop good relationships with others

When we allow ourselves to be set free from our past mistakes, we accept ourselves for who we are in spite of the errors we made along the way

Self-forgiveness is one of the greatest forms of self love a person can give themselves

It lets us know that we are still lovable in spite of our mistakes and in doing so helps us to accept love from others too

Ultimately that is what we want, because if we cannot love ourselves then we cannot receive it in return

When we learn to forgive ourselves, we open the door to let Love in

And that’s ultimately what we all want…

Connection with ourselves and with others.

Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled

Contact:
Pascale Lane 
(MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: 
pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk

May

Five ways to stop the break/fix cycle once and for all

You know what it’s like. Relationships have ups and downs… Good times and bad times… And some of this is normal but for some it feels worse

It can feel exhausting, frustrating, frightening, heartbreaking

It’s the same cycle that keeps repeating itself over and over again

It’s good for a bit, and then it falls through the floor

And then it repairs for a time, but then it falls through the floor again

And every time it’s good you’re waiting for it to crash

And each time it happens, you get a tiny bit more numb

The distance between you gets a little bit bigger

Then it gets better again, but for how long

And you want it to be so different

You’re desperate for it to be so different

You long for a time when it will balance itself out… Not so that it’s perfect and wonderful, but so that you are both happy and content

Because the cycle that you are stuck in starting to feel like torture

And inside you’re screaming to be heard, seen and understood

But on the outside you’re numb… Just taking each day at a time and getting by

It doesn’t have to be like this

But you don’t think he will commit to counselling, so what’s the point in even trying…

Because doing it by yourself won’t work right?

WRONG!

You can totally make the difference all by yourself

It only takes one person to change in order to shift the relationship

1. Start by getting clear on what it is you really want.
And I don’t just mean your ‘happy ever after’, but actually really being able to identify what parts of the relationship needs to change, how do you both need to adapt in order that you both feel validated in your relationship.

 Self reflection like this isn’t always easy but it is absolutely necessary. We can say that we want things to be different but until we really know how we want them to be different, we can’t start to make the changes

2. Make time to talk!

It’s just so easy to get into bad habits and the more time that passes the harder it gets. You start to make assumptions about what the other person is thinking and feeling and before long, its several weeks down the road and the gap between you is getting bigger and bigger.

And yet the solution is so simple. Just make time to talk! 

Make it a non-negotiable. Put it in the diary. Whether it’s half an hour or two hours once a week, or three times a week really doesn’t matter. Just make sure that you have time set aside for you both to catch up on each other today, catch up on what’s going on for you both and to share and hash out any difficulties you’re having.

It’s a game changer, I promise

3. Really make time to listen to each other.
Waiting for a break in eachothers sentences so that you can get the next word in… With her, ‘yeah but’, or ‘that’s not fair’ or anything else

You have to make an time to actually understand what the other person is feeling as well as hearing what they’re saying, or nothing will change.

It does take practice but is invaluable once you get there

4. Make time to connect…

 It doesn’t have to be chandelier swinging sex. Make the time to touch each other, hug each other, kiss each other.

A gentle touch on the arm, a holding of hands, a reassuring hug or a lingering kiss can make an enormous difference at reconnecting you both

Often this starts to feel awkward after a certain amount of time has passed, but starting slow but keeping the contact frequenct is so important

Physical affection and intimacy is an essential part of a healthy relationship.

5. Seek neutral support

This can be done on your own or together… Both are equally as successful

Sometimes we are just simply too close to the situation to be able to work ourselves out of it and that is very common and normal

The right kind of support can make a world of difference to you, so even if you think that your partner will not be interested, it doesn’t mean that you can’t make a start by yourself 

Find somebody who you feel comfortable with, who you feel connected with and able to share your story with. 

You would seek help for any other kind of problem so why hesitate when it comes to the most important problem at all… Your relationship, your happiness and your future x

Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled

Contact:
Pascale Lane 
(MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: 
pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk

April

The 5 languages of Love

I love talking about the 5 Languages of Love, but not just how we recognise our own love languages, how we love to give and receive love.

I think it’s also important to think about how our Love Languages can hurt us and how intentionally and unintentionally they can cause harm.

Let me explain...

If your love language is words of affirmation, hearing words like I love you, you’re wonderful, you’re beautiful, will make you feel happy and valued. You will often use these words as an expression of your love to a partner and child, but when words are used harshly, either in criticism or in an argument, they will cut deeply and leave lasting wounds.

If your love language is gifts, then you will love to both buy and receive gifts from a loved one and this will be a natural expression of love. However, if significant events such as birthdays or anniversaries are forgotten, this will be more significant for you than for someone who has gifts as a low priority of their love language.

If acts of service is your love language, you will love to do things for your partner and take to heart small actions of care, such as bringing you cups of tea, filling your car with petrol or doing a small task that you have been meaning to do but I haven’t had the time to do. When someone creates more time things for you to do because of their thoughtless behaviour, this feels hurtful and may leave you feeling disrespected.

If touch is your love language then hugs, kisses, sex and other demonstrations of love will be very important to you, but any kind of touch that is inappropriate or hurtful will undoubtably leave bruises on the inside and be hurtful to your overall well-being. This also includes having touch withheld from you as a form of punishment.

If quality time is your love language, you would appreciate time with your loved ones over and above anything else. Gifts and words of affirmation may not be anywhere near as important to you as being able to spend time, uninterrupted with people that you love. If this time isn’t valued by your loved ones, if your partner is not present, because they are on their phone or devices, if you are let down at the last minute for time you have carved aside to be with them, this will affect your sense of worth and value.

Whenever I talk about the languages of love, I ask people to consider their children as well as their partners. When we talk about showing our love, we can also think about how our children like to be shown love and how we can best meet her needs. Make sense to you?

Have you taken the love language quiz? I would love to know your love language. 

Please let me know!

Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled

Contact:
Pascale Lane 
(MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: 
pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk


March

No matter the relationship, you always have a choice!

Are you stuck in a toxic relationship, either with a partner, friend or family member?

Most people will be able to relate to this as most of us have one person in their life that either drains them, creates high levels of anxiety or has them questioning their own worth and value.

It takes a great deal of self love to really be honest with yourself and examine all of your relationships and what they bring to you.

The well known theory that you are the average of the five people you spend the most amount of time with its very real and should not be taken lightly.

We all absorb the energy of those around us and whether we realise it or not, that energy can be just as negative as it is positive.

I have had several situations in my life where I have allowed people to drain me, fill me with anxiety, fill me with self doubt…

And worse than all of that… Bring out a side of me that in myself was toxic…

And negativity that goes against everything that I believe in yet with these people would flow out so naturally… Followed by crippling anxiety and uncertainty.

Removing yourself of toxic relationships it’s a very brave move.

It can be really scary and may very well have repercussions that extend further than you.

I hear stories like this all the time…

How people feel frightened to end toxic relationships because of the aftermath that will follow with friends or family…

Making them feel awkward or creating a situation that other people want to shy away from.

But the reality is very simple.

You are worthy of happiness and you are worthy of people around you who make you feel loved, supported and appreciated.

And if there is anybody in your close network that has you doubting yourself, doubting your self-worth, making you feel in any way anxious, angry or negative… you have a choice.

We all have free choice and we all have free will.

And if you need to end a toxic relationship for your own emotional well-being and sanity…. why would you hesitate to do it?

Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled

Contact:
Pascale Lane 
(MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: 
pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk


You think that your relationship is at a critical point because you don’t know how to talk to each other without arguing… But actually, your relationship is at a critical point because you are exhausted and are neglecting your own personal needs!

Let me explain... 

Some of my clients come to work with me because they feel exhausted with family life and at breaking point in their relationship. They know something needs to change but they don’t know what or how.

As the majority of my clients are mums, I am frequently reminded of the significant imbalance which goes on within the family home in terms of childcare and domestic work. 

Please note (!!) This is not an attack on men… I’m just saying that in the majority of cases, the women carry the load of the childcare and housework… 

More often than not they are also holding down careers and have to work this around what is already an significant domestic workload. 

As women, wives and mothers, this usually means that we are not only exhausted but that we are frequently failing to look after our own needs… be those needs physical, emotional or spiritual.

Burnout simply isn’t an option, but the casualty, apart from our energy levels, it’s often our relationships. 

Couples are often too tired to communicate effectively with each other, too tired to spend proper time with each other and too resentful in some cases to want to even try.

So what can you do if this is speaking volumes to you?

1. MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF

“But that’s part of the problem!” I hear you scream… Well let me be really clear about this… Not making time for yourself to recharge your batteries is probably one of the biggest failings that I see with clients.

Burning yourself out because you are so busy looking after everybody else’s needs that you are failing to look after your own, sounds like part of the job description, but actually is hindering your ability to care for your loved ones…

Doing it with your hands tied behind your back, figuratively speaking.  

When we are so tired that everything feels like a battle, everything IS a battle! That includes our relationships.

Make the time to recharge your batteries … Whether that’s half an hour every day or a few hours at the weekend. Believe me, you’re doing everyone else a favour, not just you. 

2. Talk to your partner about how you are feeling. Note, that’s a talk, not shout or argue. Carving out time for your relationship to be able to talk things through, good bits and bad bits, is essential for a healthy relationship and family life.

We already know that family life is difficult at times and that making time can sometimes be hard… But this is so important in order to grow together and keep the peace at home.

It doesn’t have to be an expensive night out. Commit to one night a week together to eat a meal in peace and quiet with no interruptions.

If at all possible, go out for a coffee or lunch once a week.

If you’re really lucky and you have grandparents on hand, go out for a meal or a couple of drinks.

It’s not about where you go it’s about what you do and making time to talk with each other is invaluable.

3. Be realistic about what needs to be done. Set aside time in blocks where you can do the things that you need to do for the family, also making time with the children and spending time with them as well.

I genuinely find blocking out time it’s a really great way to manage both time and expectations.

You can make the chunks as large or small as you want, but letting the kids know that you need to finish off X and you’ll be with them in 10 minutes in order to spend 15 minutes with them before you need to go back and do Y and Z works really well.

It might sound really rigid, but if you’re someone that really struggles with time management, this is a really easy and effective thing to implement.

4. Speak with your friends. Time with your friends is often the best kind of therapy you can have. Whether it be an hour long phone call or a girls night out, make the time to connect with your friends. This is invaluable and gives you a chance to be you in your fullest, best way.

Remember this: Looking after yourself is neither selfish nor unimportant!!

Making time for yourself is an essential part of self care and means that you have all the necessary energy and patience to run a happy family home.

If you would like to know more about how we can work together, I would love to speak with you for free, no pressure chat, book your call here

Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled

Contact:
Pascale Lane 
(MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: 
pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk


February
How my client went from angry, unhappy and disconnected from her husband and children… to relaxed, present and fulfilled… By understanding her own story and changing her outlook on what was happening around her...

Jane came to me because she was so unhappy with family life… She was married with two children and like so many other mums in her situation, felt like she had completely lost her sense of self…

Her relationship had gotten stale, she was permanently exhausted from rushing around, meeting everybody’s needs in the family, working her part-time job and generally running herself into the ground.

She wasn’t taking care of herself and didn’t have the mental or physically energy to do anything more than what she was just doing at the moment.

She was shouting at the children, shouting at her husband, unable to communicate her emotions effectively and felt like life was passing her by.. 

She wasn’t enjoying it… merely surviving on a daily basis.

She was drinking lots of wine because that was the only way she could properly relax and shut down at the end of the night…

She knew something needed to change… She desperately wanted her relationship to be better, both with her husband and her children but she wasn’t sure where to start.

She had done counselling in the past but it hadn’t worked… They tried a few sessions together but had given up because they felt like they were just going round in circles the whole time.

She wasn’t sure if it was a phase that they would just get through but she couldn’t conceive doing anything drastic at the moment because her children were a pivotal point in their education.

Having come from a broken home herself, she didn’t want to repeat the same patterns again… But she knew that in many ways she was as she was making such an unhappy family home for her children.

Once we started working together and getting to the root of the problem, Jane realised that a lot of the behaviours that she was acting out were exactly the same as she had seen within her own parents relationship. 

The arguing, the bickering, the sarcastic comments and the frosty responses that her mother would often give her father.

It pained her deeply but she just didn’t know how to stop.

She felt her husband was dismissive of her and she didn’t know how to speak to him anymore without it either turning into an argument or a frosty silence.

It didn’t actually take that many sessions for her to be able to understand how her communication style and her own story needed to change in order to make such a big difference.

She soon learnt that by taking time out to look after herself and invest in her own mental and physical well-being, would have a huge knock-on effect to how she showed up in the family home.

We found a way of being able to start conversations with her husband that weren’t misunderstood or immediately putting him into a place of defence, but actually coming at it from a point of view of wanting to change and wanting to make the change together.

Within just a few weeks, they were learning to communicate better with each other and being able to sit down and actually work out together how to make things better.

The knock on effect for the children was immense as they were not only seeing mum and dad communicating more effectively together but they were seeing them parent as a united front two.

By the end of our work together, Jane was living a life that made her feel happy and fulfilled.

Her husband and her we’re not only talking together but starting to laugh together.

They were going out for walks together and had even started going on the occasional lunch date.

The tension around the dinner table has massively eased and the children are starting to open up to her a lot more and the general feel of the family was one of togetherness.

Together, we helped Jane to communicate in a completely different way so that she felt seen and heard by her husband and her children.

They were able to have conversations that, although difficult, found common ground and resolution that made them both happy.

Most importantly for her, she knew that her children were learning that although family life isn’t always easy, when we talk together and we commit to making things better together, everything is achievable.

If you would like to know more about how we can work together, I would love to speak with you for free, no pressure chat, book your call here

Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled

Contact:
Pascale Lane 
(MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: 
pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk


Let me tell you about Joanne...

Joanne is a married mum with three children.

When she came to me she was looking for help to create a happier life for herself and her family.

On paper, her heart was full but in reality she felt desperately unhappy.

She wasn’t the wife she wanted to be, the mother she wanted to be or the daughter she wanted to be.

She was full of self-doubt. 

In many ways, she felt like a child masked in an adult body.

She overreacted, had childish responses and although was doing so well in her professional and material world, deepdown felt like she didn’t know how to be a grown-up.

Issues from her childhood that hadn’t been healed were repeating themselves in her adult life, as a mother and as a wife.

She knew her triggers but she didn’t know how to manage them.

She saw her behaviours but she didn’t know how to correct them.

She heard her words but she didn’t know how to silence them.

She desperately wanted security… (She had all the security she needed but she just couldn’t see it or feel it).

She came to me because she knew I would be able to help her. 

She knew I would be able to help her heal her wounds and to fully embody the fabulous woman that she was.

She wanted to be a calm and nurturing mother and wife and raise her children in a stable family environment.

She self-sabotaged by pushing it all away and then hated herself for doing so

We went right back to the beginning! 

We did all that healing work that was necessary for her to leave her past behind her.

We set some goals of how she wanted life to be… No fancy cars or diamond rings.

What she wanted most was to feel loved… To feel secure… To be the wonderful mother and wife that she dreamed to be without all of the anxiety and frustration that came with it.

She dug deep… And when I say deep I mean she really did the work.

It wasn’t easy… Transformation work often requires us to face things that we don’t want to face… But in doing so she rose so wonderfully into the fabulous woman that she is.

We looked at coping strategies for managing stress, increased her self-esteem, gave her the confidence that was there but was hidden by her past experiences.

She learnt to have a voice! 

Something she felt she had been lacking for so long… To understand her emotions and to communicate them effectively both with her husband, her children and her parents.

Joanne is an incredible testimony of what we can do when we really set a clear intention of what we want our life to look like.

When we are clear that something needs to change, even if we don’t know what or how.

She reached out to me because she knew that I was the person to help her.

She received therapeutic support, relationship support, life coaching and so much more.

Helping women like Joanne to shine and live the life they truly deserve is my thing 

It’s what I love and it’s what I feel so passionately about.

When we embody person we are meant to be, everything falls into place.

We thrive and because we thrive everyone around us thrives too.

Have you joined the happy and fulfilled mums group yet? If not please do come over… We would love to see you there x

If you would like to know more about how you can live the life you truly deserve, I would love to speak to you. 

Book a call with me here and let’s make 2022 your best year yet.


Pascale

About Pascale 

me-and-th-girls_med


Pascale Lane (MBACP) is a Therapeutic Relationship Coach based in Sutton, Surrey, where she lives with her husband and two young daughters. She has 20 years experience of working as a social worker and a counsellor and runs her own relationship coaching business You Fulfilled.

Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled

Contact:
Pascale Lane 
(MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: 
pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk

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